


Thanks for Coming Out Tonight

by katrinnaaaaaaaaa



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Homophobia, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Out of Character, Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24937117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katrinnaaaaaaaaa/pseuds/katrinnaaaaaaaaa
Summary: “So, what do you go by? What should I call you?” Dr. K smiles at his guest through the webcam.“Oh, yeah, uhmmm… George, George is fine, George is good.”“Okay, George. What works for you works with me. So- what are we here to talk about today?”George breathes, almost as if he’s reading through a pre-written script in his head. In all fairness, that’s basically what he was doing. His leg bounces, hidden underneath his desk.“I guess about mental health, about my mental health."--George throughout all his life has been grappling with anxiety. Will a show that aims to help streamers with their mental health be able to push him to finally think clearly and leave the past behind?
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 139





	Thanks for Coming Out Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> The characters in this fic are based off real life people. These situations are purely fictional, and I don't claim that they have any truth to them. It's just a work of fiction. Some of it ties into my own life, but other things are based off research. If any of the real life people that the characters are based off of wish for this fic to be removed, I will. If there's any incorrect research, please tell me. If there's any glorification of mental health issues, tell me that as well. Thank you.

“So, what do you go by? What should I call you?” Dr. K smiles at his guest through the webcam. They're now live with thousands of viewers tuning in to watch.

The Healthy Gamer streams are livestreams in which Dr. K gave advice to Twitch content creators. Far too often has Dr. K noticed that there was a strong stigma around mental health, especially concerning “influencers” as some like to refer to them as. 

Plenty of streamers on Twitch are young. Cast into the limelight at an early age, early twenties, mid twenties. Not everyone on Twitch was in that demographic, of course, but there was a good amount of them. That sort of attention and pressure can heavily affect people of all ages in all honesty. However, it was the younger people in particular that concerned him.

When you’re young, chances are, you don’t know much. You think you do, though. But more often than not, younger people haven’t yet learned how to cope properly with the fame, stress, and expectations that come with the job. They don't know what to do with the attention. Dr. K has seen it all. Depression, narcissism, drug dependency. Because of that, Dr. K wanted to change how Twitch viewed mental health and how Twitch viewed its streamers.

Content creators aren’t exactly viewed as humans with emotions online. It makes sense: from the viewers’ perspective, all they see is the image that is presented to the public. A manufactured, edited persona. However, what streaming does is remove the wall that separates the content creator from the audience. It doesn’t completely reveal every aspect of a streamer, but it certainly is more exposing than processed videos. Streamers interact with their fans on a more personal level and in real time, and the viewers get a look at the more human side of content creators than is possible on other platforms of social media. 

A lot can be said on stream, for better or for worse. Moments that would have been cut out during editing end up being clipped and reposted for all to see. 

The audience gets to know their favourite content creators better this way. The viewers certainly feel as if they know a lot about the people they’re watching. The truth is that the audience doesn’t know as much as they think they do. They never do. 

Donations pass underneath them as the two start their conversation. GeorgeNotFound gives a half-smile to the viewers, not yet processing exactly what he’s doing. “Oh, yeah, uhmmm… George, George is fine, George is good.”

“Okay, George. What works for you, works for me,” George gives Dr. K a nod at what he had said, readjusting his chair at the same time.

The eyes of thousands of viewers were boring into the Brit, trying to read his mind, learn all his secrets. He knows he should relax, but he can’t. George’s eyes briefly flick to the chat. It doesn’t go unnoticed by the other man. 

Dr. Kanojia is a very perceptive man. He has to be in his field of work, but perhaps even more so on these livestreams, where body language is even harder to decipher than in person. He purses his lips slightly. “George, do you have chat open?” The 23 year-old’s eyes flit back to his main screen, panicked to be caught in the act.

“If I can’t look at the chat, you can’t look at the chat. That’s the deal,” Dr. K places his hands on the armrests of his chair.

George’s neck warms up, and he places his hand there in an attempt to cool it. “Right, sorry,” he mumbles in a hurry, exiting out of the chat's live feed. He’s never done this before. He’s new to being so vulnerable online. 

There’s only a momentary pause until the doctor starts up again. “So, how are you doing tonight, George?”

George looks up and mentally composes himself, hiding his emotions in the pocket of his hoodie and stuffing it deeper in there. “I’mmmm… doing well tonight I suppose, how are you, Mr- Dr. K?” 

Dr. K takes a mental note of George’s behaviour, as he does every time he’s talking to a patient or to a guest on his stream. Oh, how he longs for a pen and paper.

He files and categorizes his client’s body language and speech patterns. _Hands in hoodie, slightly slumped. Closed off perhaps? He was looking at the chat, which is typical. With the way he’s speaking, he seems to be nervous. Also typical. ___

____

____

“I’m doing well tonight, thank you. I don't know if you've ever been to any type of therapy," _I've had a type of therapy before _, George thinks, "...but I just wanted to preface that this time is for you and me. So- what are we here to talk about today?”__

____

____

George breathes, almost as if he’s reading through a pre-written script in his head. In all fairness, that’s basically what he's doing. His leg bounces, hidden underneath his desk. 

“I guess about mental health, about my mental health,” George starts. 

A couple weeks prior, George had a moment on stream. It was a moment that turned into a clip, that turned into segments of compilation videos on YouTube. It spammed his Twitter feed and served to constantly remind him of what had happened. 

George and Clay were streaming with about five other people, only two of which George knew: Callahan and Nik. On most days, this would have been fine. That day was not one of those days.

There was chatter and banter, voices overlapping and fighting for dominance. The voices seemed amplified past how they should sound. Voices that he'd usually enjoy hearing now sounded harsh. It was difficult to keep up with what any individual person was saying, forget all of them at once. He was feeling overwhelmed. So many voices were talking at once. The Brit couldn’t handle it, not on that day. 

His facecam was on during that stream. The audience could see his eyes flicker from his keyboard to his screen with the game on it to the chat and to his phone. George's jaw was clenched, his body filled with tension. The game was forgotten as he tried desperately to ground himself. 

Dizzy, he felt dizzy, _why were they all talking at once?_

____

____

Discreetly, he texts Clay, “ _gonna end th e stream early cant _”.__

____

____

George leaves the Discord voice call without a word to them. He swallows and speaks to the viewers, “Chat, I’m gonna hafta end early. Sorry.”

And with that, he abruptly closes the stream. He doesn’t let himself see what chat says after that. 

The Londoner grips his own wrist in an attempt to self-soothe. George brings himself to reality. 

Dr. K speaks up. “So- tell me about that. What exactly do you mean? What are we talking about?” 

George knows Dr. K's stream is a safe space. Despite there being thousands of viewers, he's meant to pretend it's just the two of them. He isn't quite sure how to. 

"Well, I- I've been anxious recently and feeling off, I guess you could say. A little, uh, overwhelmed at times…" George hopes that he communicated how he feels effectively. 

Dr. K moves his hand from his mouth and transitions it to hold up a "pause" signal. "Let's pause right there- what exactly do you mean when you say that? When you say, 'anxious' and 'overwhelmed'?"

George takes a moment to try to think of what to say. He's no therapist. He knows when he feels overwhelmed but he doesn't know how to describe it. 

_I have to try, at least _. "Well, sometimes when… a lot of people are talking… I kinda shutdown. And when I say anxious, I feel as if I want things to always be good, and I want to be safe, and I want things to go well, and I want people to like me, and like… stuff like that."__

____

____

_Good, good. I think that was fine, that was okay. God, I don't want to mess this up._

____

____

__

__

Dr. K seems to understand what he's saying, luckily. "Okay, no, yeah, I hear what you're saying." George's shoulders slump in relief. "Was this really only recently or is this a recurring issue that you have?" 

His eyes are focused on George, fixed with a calculating but warm stare. 

George stutters, "Oh, I uh, I- I guess it's recurring. It's just more now than usual."

There's a slight pause, signifying that Dr. K was thinking. He starts up again, saying: "Okay- Is there anything in particular that might have triggered this more recent surge of anxiety, perfectionism, and self-preservation?"

_Anxiety, perfectionism, and self-preservation. _It's nice to hear what he has been feeling in more proper terms.__

____

____

George thinks back to _that day _and how it felt to hear those words. Those stinging, cold words, words so cold that they crawled through the phone receiver and filled George with a lasting numbness.__

____

____

The Brit gives a nervous laugh. "Well, haha, yeah there was one thing actually-" _*ding* ___

____

____

George's text notification alert sounds. It's from a familiar number, one that warms away the numbness. "I'm so sorry, can I briefly read this text?" George's hand reaches for his phone, but he waits for permission. He feels rude, but he'll try his best to make it quick. It will make him feel better, too.

"Of course, go right ahead," George goes ahead and reads the message on the screen. "As long as it isn't something from Twitter or from a fan or something negative. Who's the text from, if you don't mind me asking?"

George gives a little smile as he reads the text.

_Good luck, babe! Relax a bit. You'll do great :) ___

____

____

"... A friend or a partner? Family maybe?"

"My boyfriend," George blurts, not thinking. His smile stays on his face.

Then he realized. My boyfriend. 

_Oh no, _he thinks. _Did I just say that?___

_____ _

_____ _

George for a moment feels his face burn. He feels the urge to apologise.

"I'm s-"

"Okay, take your time," Dr. K says casually. 

_Okay. _George releases a breath he didn't know he was holding. _Okay. _____

_____ _

_____ _

_It's okay? Just like that? ___

____

____

He shouldn't have been surprised at the casual, nonchalant reaction. George has been primed all his life to think that him coming out would be difficult and met with resistance. He thinks back to _that day. ___

____

____

It was thirty minutes before his stream was supposed to start. He was putting on his blue hoodie and preparing other things. That was when his phone rang.

A number appeared in the caller ID. Instead of feeling warmth and butterflies, he felt a cold hand grip his heart and squeeze.

_No… no. ___

____

____

George tried his best to calm his breathing. It was quickly becoming erratic and painful. He couldn't calm it. It was killing him. He weighed his options. 

Not answering the call would lead to his phone being blown up for the rest of the day. He didn't want to think about it for that long. 

He felt as if his phone itself was radiating black tendrils of terror. He was scared to even touch it. He felt as if he'd touch it and be pulled into a pit of darkness; he was sure of it. 

Answering the call meant pain, however. Answering the call meant questions, criticism, unhappiness. Did he want to?

_No, I don’t. ___

____

____

He hit the answer button. 

“Hel-”

George couldn’t get a single word out before he was interrupted. 

“George. Good for you to finally answer. I wanted to talk to you about something,” said his father. 

For almost the full thirty minutes before he was supposed to stream, George numbly zoned out of the rant that was assaulting his ear. He caught some things every once in a while that stood out, but besides that, his mind was cloudy. His right arm hung limply to his side as if it too was giving up on trying.

“I heard something about a relationship…” _fog ___

____

____

“I was lenient to you about it in the past…” _lies ___

____

____

“Why couldn’t you have been a normal son? For us, for the family?” _why ___

____

____

“I was under the impression that I hadn’t wasted thousands of pounds on conversion therapy…” _cold ___

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“It won’t even last long, so I don’t know why you bother... “ _numb ___

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“Not even to mention your, uhm, job…” _stop it, please- ___

____

____

“... and I just wanted to say that I expected more from you.” And with that, the man stopped.

George had barely even processed that his father stopped talking. He took this chance to speak, but his voice was barely working. 

“Father, I-”

Once again he was interrupted; once again he wasn’t listened to, like all the years before this. 

“No. Don’t.” And with that, the call had ended. 

George’s mind drifts back to the present moment. He shakes his head and sends a quick “ _thx :))) love u ttyl _” to Clay, then puts down his phone to redirect his focus to Dr. Kanojia.__

____

____

“Sorry for that,” George apologizes.

“Why- why do you feel the need to apologize for that? It’s okay to take a pause.” 

That catches him off guard. “Oh, uhm, I just don’t want to be rude to you or the audience, and we’re live, so…” 

Dr. K nods in acknowledgement. “You know, George, this time isn’t for the audience- well, it is, but you’re not here to entertain them. You and I are here for YOU,” says the psychiatrist, punctuating his last word with a politician’s thumb pointed towards his guest. 

George wraps his head around the statement. He’d heard Dr. K say this before, but he hadn’t quite thought of the implications. _You’re not here to entertain them. _He’s here for himself. To learn. To be open. To be honest.__

____

____

The Brit takes a deep breath of contemplation. “Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Time for me.”

Dr. K smiles and takes that as a sign to proceed. “So. I believe we were talking about an event that had happened recently that, you know, maybe- maybe triggered heightened feelings of anxiety? Would you like to talk about that? I don’t quite know if it was something that was public or if it was just something in your private life, I’m a bit of a _boomer _as they say, which means that I don’t exactly know these things about my guests.”__

____

____

George chuckled quietly at the doctor's joke. Then, it became George’s turn to nod as he readies himself to open up. “Well, I had recently gotten a call…” 

The streamer goes on to explain what had happened: how his dad had called him, reviled him for what felt like both an eternity and a minute at the same time, what he had said about him, bringing up old memories that he thought he was past, and how he had to face thousands of people and his friends not five minutes after and how he barely had time to prepare for it. 

At the end of his explanation, George finds his throat dry and his hands shaky. It's his first time telling someone other than Clay and his mom about that day. For two whole weeks, George had been ignoring question after question from his fans about that stream. The first week had been much worse than the second, as fans tend to forget those things easily. But that didn’t stop the stray question here and there. Both him and Clay had decided to go completely silent about it, neither wanting to address it. 

Dr. K has been silently listening to George rant. His hands are to his mouth, and he looks like he's giving his guest his full attention. 

“So- can I think for a second?” 

“Yeah, that’s alright.” 

The psychiatrist did this often. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean that he was judging his client. It didn’t mean that he was in shock. He liked thinking before speaking and choosing his words carefully, and he didn’t really care if there was a pause in the stream. The chat knew and understood, too. 

Dr. K starts, “Okay. So what I heard and what you told me is that basically: your father called you, you picked up, and he spent half an hour insulting you based on your- on your sexuality,” Dr. K holds out one finger, “your relationship,” he holds up another, “and for… taking advantage of a wonderful opportunity presented to you and doing what you love as a job?” He's now holding up three fingers. 

George takes a breath. “Yeah, I mean, well that’s-”

“That’s _fucked _.”__

____

____

George stops in his tracks. First because he forgot that Dr. Kanojia swore in his streams, and second because he didn’t expect that response. 

He knows logically and in his head that the stuff his father had put him through in the past and the stuff that he still puts him through in the present weren’t right. Clay had told him before about how much he wanted to ‘beat the shit out of that bastard’, but he just felt like his boyfriend was the protective type. His mother was another story.

So George feels a surge of relief upon hearing those two little words. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is.” 

He gives a soft smile. “Sorry that I’m smiling, I just like… I don’t know, but it feels nice to hear you say that.” 

Dr. K returns the smile, albeit more somber than his guest’s. He decides to push the conversation forward. 

“So- let me ask you one thing: would you be comfortable with me asking more about this situation and things relating to it, or would you prefer to bounce to another topic?” 

George weighs his options. He says slowly, "I think we can talk about this topic now since we're here… and see what else there is after." 

Dr. K nods his head. "Okay," he agrees. "There is actually something I wanted to ask you about. And we don't have to talk about it now, we can talk about it later on our own time off camera. It's a touchy subject; if you don't wanna talk about it, that's completely understandable…

"What was that about conversion therapy?"

George takes a sharp inhale.


End file.
